"Poppie Seeds and Reminders"
Fingernails ingrained,
in white (baking) sheets,
stained black,
(like those tiny poppie seeds you like)
^
Look dear,
I remembered.
That matters right?
...
...
...
Our love is an ocean?
How quaint.
But oceans--
they rush,
in and out,
in and out,
in and out.
Oceans red,
like red red kroovy
and broken eyes shattering
into 1,000,000 little sprinklings
(like those tiny poppie seeds you like).
^
Look dear I remembered again.
Dont you like it-
when I remember?
Oh
...
...
...
Are you looking at me?
Are you thinking about something?
Are you frowning?
Are you there?
Are you distant?
Apatetic glances,
sweeping up the bits of glass,
just place them in the trash recepticle,
as you watch our insides touch,
for the
1,
0
0
0,
0
0
0
th
time.
Sleepy,
tired,
exhausted,
lethargic.
Ping
(Jesus Christ)
Grunt
Go get the muffins dear,
lest we might forget that
we love eachother.
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7 comments:
why is kroovy always preceded by "red red"?
i googled kroovy to figure out what it was, and cuz its a damn awesome word, and almost every entry had it as "red red kroovy"
am i missing something?
i'l' get to the rest of the poem later, but that part stuck out for me most.
otherwise, i like it. very experimental with the punctuation and line breaks. the 1,000,000 across 7 lines immediately made be think of binary code, which goes with the in and out theme you presented. only 2 options 1,0, in or out. very cool.
bah, i didnt mean "otherwise"
that implied that the kroovy part was something i didnt like..i love it, just was curious about the red red.
Haha, no worries.
Actually the red red kroovy reference also tied in with the in and out reference.
I dont know if youve ever read A Clockwork Orange, but in the story the main characters develop their own language based mostly off of russian and schoolyard slang.
Kroovy means blood and is usually always preceded by red red in the novel. I addressed it as such so the reader, ideally xP, would realize that the in and out reference was also from Clockwork.
In and out refers to gratuitous/casual sex.
Im glad you like it. :)
Oh yeah, for future reference, if your curious, you can wikipedia Nadsat.
Its the name of the slanguage. :)
ive never read that. i guess that explains it.
sounds like a couple bored in the throes of a waning relationship--or at least the writer is growing detached. i love the imagery of the minutae of their kitchen moments together (and how that is connected to the bedroom). the poem is typographically drawn out, perhaps like their relationship.
i'll come back when (if) i can find anything i think might be improved. what's your feeling about this poem, Q? does it feel almost finished? i've read A Clockwork, btw, but didn't pick up on the reference (dammit). that's okay tho. cool that you used it.
Hey, sorry I've been gone for some time... I've been busy as shit.
But I'm back... hell yeah...
I already told you that this is my fave by you, Q. The conversational tone is wonderful, in my opinion. I love the way it flows.
And I like what mla picked up on the binary/in or out idea... I didn't see that, but that's really cool.
As far as critique, the only thing I can think of improving would be that sometimes you overuse the stylized punctuation to where it becomes more of a distraction than anything else... one example in particular is the several lines of ellipses.
Everything else is amazing.
I love this piece, but you knew that.
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